There are many things that I thought I was prepared for in infant parenthood that makes me laugh now. However, one that completely blindsided me was the hurt I didn’t know I’d have to experience this early when another child (4-5 y/o) sulkily told his mum that he doesn’t want to play with Iker, only with kid X and Y. We were at their place with another family, so it’s basically hearing him ask his mum to kick us out because baby Iker was killing his vibe. Earlier that day, that same kid told me to my face that he doesn’t like me. I’m ashamed to admit that I almost said I don’t like him either but I begrudgingly reminded myself that he was probably in that phase of exploring social interactions, boundaries, and probably felt threatened by new people.
In that same weekend, Iker and I were in the campsite’s playroom and he started approaching another toddler playing with a big truck. I’m usually quick to redirect Iker, saying it’s not his turn with a toy, but this time, the other toddler was quicker and he pushed Iker who then fell backwards on his butt. 😢
I advocate a lot for children and their need for respect and agency, but let’s face it. They can be dicks sometimes.
Back to the cliquish kid: it took a lot in me to continue as if I didn’t hear or didn’t mind, and to not sweep my little innocent baby up in my arms and leave right then. The parents tried to tell him it’s not a nice attitude and I don’t have quarrel with them, but my gosh, I was not prepared and probably will not ever be. I wanted to cuddle my baby up and protect him from the all the hurtful things this world could and would throw at him.
But it doesn’t work that way. I know. My job as a parent is to guide him so that he’d know how to navigate those sticky situations. I know that when real life hits while you’ve been in a cocoon of protection all your life, then it’s going to be a messy mush of unformed, liquid, never-to-be-a-butterfly waiting to happen.
I got a little carried away with the metaphor, but you get it. So, life. We owe it to Iker to expose him to this wonderful world we live in and hopefully unlock and recognise teachable moments when they present themselves. I don’t know when we made the very deliberate decision to ensure that we’ll still enjoy the things we do even with a baby in tow. Was it when this little boy was only but dream? Was it through infertility, making plans of when it happens for us, we’d be THIS kind of parents. Was it when I got pregnant? I’m sure it wasn’t while I was sleep deprived in those first few weeks.
A year and almost a half on, I’d say we’re doing well. We found a way to cultivate the us and our individual selves while also including Iker in life. We have a responsibility to Iker to show him that we are Mum and Dad but we still have fun and have identities beyond being parents; that our lives didn’t stop because he was born—his birth enriched it.
So yes, we have plenty of quiet, just-us days at home, in a world of cuddles and kisses and secret languages that only Iker and we know; but we also make it a point to regularly see friends with Iker (and all his baby stuff) in tow, creating fun, noisy memories with them. When the weather is nice, JV would sometimes haul us to a spontaneous picnic by the beach, never daunted by the admin of it all; and in these small trips, Iker discovered the fun of chasing birds and running around the grass. We make time for personal hobbies and side projects, that although mostly invisible to Iker, still models having different interests and preferences for spending their time. We’ll happily read books of his choosing (once, twice, thrice) at any time of the day, but show him we read our own books too. We have small, normal moments like mealtimes together or passing the time at the playground, but we don’t shy away from grander plans like camping over long weekends or overseas travel.
We have one last Summer camping trip planned, and then we’ll lie low until later in the year for our trip to the Philippines and then Japan.
Above: Snaps from our Ohope Top 10 Holiday Parks and Tasman Holiday Park Waihi trips
The shape of our days, our rhythms, how we parent and maintain our us-ness are always evolving. But one thing that will not change is our commitment to always include Iker. He isn’t an inconvenience. He is a part of this family and has the right to experience our beautiful world as much as anyone.
The Cruz Roads 